Craigslist Bloopers

business man needs torturing speaking spanish (downtown )

2009-02-16T19:52:00.001-08:00

If you're not into BDSM, you may want to look into an English tutor as well...

business man needs torturing speaking spanish (downtown)

Reply to: gigs-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-02-16, 2:58PM PST

I'm looking for a practice partner to learn spanish. must be a native speaker. must be available on tuesday evenings for 2 hours per session.

Location: downtown
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: 25.00

Is the Vacuum Possessed?

2008-11-21T22:42:00.000-08:00

Self-propelled, yet "does not turn on" - is the vacuum possessed?

Vacuum cleaner. Self-Propelled (Free)

Reply to: sale-xxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-11-19, 3:28PM PST

Hoover Windtunnel mach 6.5. Does not turn on.

It is in front of my house on a first come first served basis.

Do not bother the resisdents please.

6389 Xxxx Ln, xxxxxx

At least he's got the concept of entrepreneurialism down

2008-10-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

Uhhmm? You can get this for free at USCIS's website. Based on the spelling of "immigration" and the poor grammar, I'm guessing the poster of this ad struggled with the English comprehension portion of his citizenship test.

citizenship and inmigration - $24

Reply to: xxx
Date: 2008-10-29, 5:02PM PDT

Now you can obtain US100, the only one DVD showing the new hundred question there will be ask at the U.S. CITIZENSHIP TEST. A fun and easy to use interactive guide for learning the 100 question you need to know! .You can contact us at www.ciudadaniausa.org or be free to call at 775-323-5567 775-240-7012 fax 775-323-5558

Lame/Funny/Unusual Personal Ad (M4W) Opening Lines

2008-10-24T23:01:00.000-07:00

No, I didn’t make these up... and yes, they are all opening lines.*

“I'm quite new to the dating scene, but being 23 I think its about time I actually tried it out.”

Points for honesty, but again, not something you want to admit in your opening line. You may as well put flashing warning lights on your profile. At the very least, be more creative. Why not: “Guy with history of mental problems seeks guinea pig for dating.”

“This is dumb. I don't like this minimum text requirements.”

An overachiever, are we? (Note, the minimum text requirement for the section you are complaining about – which is the longest section– is 200 characters, including spaces. This little commentary is 283 characters.)

“My perfect match would be someone I was attracted to both physically and mentally.”

What a profound opening line!

“I should start off by saying that I am allergic to ANIMAL DANDER, AIRBORNE POLLEN, and COMMON HOUSEHOLD DUST, as determined by an allergist.”

Is this a joke?

“I do not see how I can pour my gist out in here in a few sentences.”

“Pour my gist out” – now that’s a phrase I’ve never heard before. Unfortunately, you pour none of your gist out and don’t even include a picture. Bet you get tons of emails.

“OK NO HYPOCHONDRIACS. Been there done that so I need someone who likes who they are and like to enjoy life.”

A) I don’t think you quite understand what hypochondria is, and B) having the word “hypochondriacs” in your first sentence (in all capitals) is probably not a surefire way to attract chicks.

“This is tough part of the whole profile. I really dont know what to say about me.”

Now this guy has a magnetic personality, doesn’t he? I mean, he makes himself sound so interesting, so alluring.

“This description is only a depiction of what you envision when you translate these words into terms that spawn thought like germs.”

What?

“Hi dear, Thanks for taking a peek at my profile. Obviously something on my profile caught your eyes and I believe this is a good starting point to build a relationship.”

Ever considered that it could be your creepy profile picture? Kind of like a bad car crash where you know you shouldn’t look, but you just can’t help but take a peek.

“And: I work in a bookstore and love to rea. I'd consider myself to be an intellectual.”

You consider yourself to be an intellectual yet your opening sentence is weirdly constructed and has a really bad typo. If you’re intellectual, show me, don’t tell me. If you have to tell me, it probably means that you’re not an intellectual.

“I`ve got myself together body and soul.”

That’s nice to know. I’d hate to see them apart. Great opening line, by the way.

“Hi, and thanks for reading this profile thing.”

What a fabulous, attention-grabbing opening line. Very sophisticated vocabulary, mind you.

“I hate talking about myself, I am here to meet you.”

Umm…well, I’m here to meet you. There’s two sides to this whole thing, you know.

“I am certainly smart and attractive to certain girls.”

Are you certain about that? Are you certain that you couldn’t come up with a slightly better opening line? Because in glancing at your profile, I’m not certain that any girl would find you smart. Nor am I certain that any girl would find you attractive.

“I'm a 31 year-old Chinese who was born in Malaysia. I have a healthy brain and so do my life.”

Okay. I shouldn’t make fun of this one, because English clearly isn’t his first language, but I can’t resist commenting on the “healthy brain” bit. Aren’t healthy brains the first things girls scan profiles for? Mention of a healthy brain? Check…thank goodness - now I can read on.

On a side note, I wonder if he knows the association of 420 with pot (his user name had "420" at the end). Maybe he does, and he’s a medicinal user…hence the healthy brain.

“A lady told me today that I'm "mellow" - when I went home I had to look it up...and yes, I think she wasn't so wrong on that one.”

Not something you want to admit in your opening line. My 8-year-old neighbor knows what “mellow” means.

“I'll be brief as 4000 characters is a lot”

If 4000 characters is a lot, then you don’t need to be brief, you moron.

“This seems self-invasive but here we go. I'm 6'2", 220 lbs., athletic and physically fit.”

Self-invasive? I think you just mean invasive. …and buddy, you’re the one that chose to join an online dating site. What did you think it was going to consist of? Posting pictures of your penis?

“Carrie Bradshaw likened a man ready for commitment with a taxi. The only one’s that were ready had their available light on.”

I’m praying English isn’t your first language. The concerning thing is, according to Match.com, you are a 95% match for me.

“At the risk of sounding a bit ubiquitous...I'm an outgoing, fun loving guy who likes to have a good time.”

I hate to have a break this to you, but your attempt to sound intelligent failed miserably. Your use of “ubiquitous,” which means omnipresent, doesn’t make sense. Did you mean arrogant? And the three adjectives you use to describe yourself can be found in 99.9999999% of the profiles of other match.com guys, so if you were worried about sounding arrogant, you can stop worrying. You don’t sound arrogant… just boring.

“black male 5'11 280lbs looking for REAL LOVE. My preference is short ladies bow legged hairy women from 4'11-5'3”

Bow legged? Now that’s a new one.

*These came from craigslist, Match.com, and plentyoffish.com

Micro Soft? ...even coffee machines? ...and exactly what position is she hoping to get?

2008-08-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

Here's a post made in craigslist's "Resume" section. Isn't the title a winner? Not the usual boring "Experienced Administrative Assistant Seeking Full-time Position" title ...no, this chick went a bit more professional. And then I love when she writes, "I am familiar with all office machinery including fax machine, copier, scanner, shredder, and printer, 10 key and even coffee machines." I never new operation of coffee machines was an advanced skill. She also claims to be computer literate - yet for some reason I have my doubts. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's the fact she thinks "Microsoft" is two words.

By the way, she never once mentions the type of position she is looking for. But since she's a nondrinker, nonsmoker, and doesn't tolerate drugs, who could possibly resist?

I'm the ONE!!!! Hire Me!!!!!!!!!!! (La Jolla)

Reply to: xxxxx
Date: 2008-08-20, 12:17PM PDT

After a few years off, to focus on family, I’m back; ready to go to work.

Here’s a brief bio:

I grew up in Del Mar, went to Torrey Pines High School, Marinello Beauty school, Mira Costa Community College and Northern State University.

I’ve waited tables, worked retail, worked as a personal assistant, delivered magazines, answered multiline phones, worked as a receptionist, delivery driver, sold advertising and designed editorial pages. I am familiar with all office machinery including fax machine, copier, scanner, shredder, and printer, 10 key and even coffee machines. I’m computer literate: Micro Soft Office Suite, Adobe CS3, Page Maker, QuickBooks, ACT and HTML etc…..

I’m close to family and friends, active in community events, attend church but I’m oblivious to politics. I’m a healthy and strong, non-smoker; non-drinker and I don’t tolerate drugs. I have a clean driving record and a great sense of humor.

I have a host of supporters and references, which I will provide on request.

Please call me for an interview. Thanks for your time and interest.

Any ad with the words spit, impervious, and hacksaw is worth a read

2008-06-22T21:19:00.000-07:00

Giant root ball from an indestructable superman plant

Reply to: xxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-22, 9:30AM PDT

When I moved into my house, this plant was upside down inside of a washing machine basin. No sun, no water, hideous conditions. I made the mistake of putting it in a proper pot.

This plant, an asparagus fern, knows no pain. I didn't water it for an entire year, but it didn't care. It grows like no one's business. It is unstopable. I have to trim and hack it back to keep my backyard from becoming overrun. I give it haircuts.

I used a hacksaw to cut off the bottom of the root ball because I replanted it this morning. To further prove that this plant is impervious to everything, I'd like to point out that I realized there isn't actually any DIRT in the pot anymore. Only roots.

Seriously, if you take this root ball and just spit on it, you will have a hugeantic asparagus fern in a matter of moments. It grows mega fast. It doesn't care about sun exposure. My dogs chew on it, but it manages to regenerate within seconds.

I can't have 2 of them in my backyard. I fear they will develop the ability to communicate and take over my neighbourhood.

Please take the rootball away and grow your own superman plant. Amaze your friends. I'll even give you a faux terra cotta pot for it. For clarification, the black pot with the plant in it is MY superman plant. The plant you get is the sad looking root ball on the grass. But don't be fooled. In 2 weeks you'll have a plant that looks just like mine. *shudder*

I fear for my life. Please hurry.

Come again?

2008-06-21T22:12:00.001-07:00

Washing Machine/Planter (South Park)

Reply to: xxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-18, 10:28AM PDT

We have been using this washing machine as a planter in our back yard for over a year, but we are moving and have no place for it in the new house. It unfortunately does not have flowers in it anymore, but still has the potting soil. It obviously is not a working machine.

Don't want to use it as a planter, if you take it you can use it for whatever you want. It is a washer so it is heavy and can't fit in a small car, so you will have to bring a truck. I will take the post down when it is gone.

Let's just hope no one is using the search function...

2008-06-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

Oak Armoar, with shelfs inside - $50 (Kensington)

Reply to: xxx
Date: 2008-06-04, 3:16PM PDT

Solid oak, needs to be glued on several spots but great peace at a great price. Easy to transport. Available for take now. Not a deep cabinet, will feet well

Sixth straight week of posting this ad...

2008-05-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

TABLE - $4

Reply to: xxx
Date: 2008-04-30, 8:29AM PDT

table 4.oo

Interesting mix of requirements - anxiety, depression, and spanking fetish all wrapped into one...

2008-04-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

SWM w/depression/anxiety seeking SWF w/depression/anxiety - 50

Reply to: xxx
Date: 2008-04-22, 5:34PM PDT

SWM, turning 50 on July 5, no chidren, never married, never been in love, never been in a relationship, diagnosed with major depressive disorder/anxiety/severe insomnia major panic attacks and OCD symptoms in 2002. I have been in therapy since 2002 and my symptoms are dehabilitating. I am undergoing workshops and seminars, as well as intense therapy, to get back to work and to become more stable, especially with my insomnia. I take medication and I have equilibrium and balance problems. I am seeking a SWF with similiar symptoms. I have not worked since 2006 which is depressing in itself. I have a degree in Business Administration with an Option in Marketing and Retail Management.

Other than my symptoms, I am very healthy and independent. I walk a minimum of two miles a day. I have lost 27 pounds in the past year and a half. Yet I am still not happy with the way I look although becoming more accepting of myself. I have a lot of faults and definitely not a GQ-type, but I really don't want to be either. I mainly take the bus and do very little driving only when necessary. My panic attacks are becoming less frequent. My OCD symptoms have become more pronounced as of late. I cannot drive at night.

My main goal is to return to work and become more stable in management of my afflictions. I attend therapy once-two times a week and also attend various seminars and workshops to improve my skills and reduce the prominence of my symptoms. Please have a positive attitude and outlook and smile! I do. I know I will be better and I will eventually return to work and I will be more happy with myself. I currently do volunteer work for my Church and also have worked with disabled children (especially autistic) and with developmentally disabled adults. However right now I am concentrating on improving myself and getting back on the right track. If you have the same positive outlook and attitude please feel free to write back. I have a high sex drive with no one to share it with. You must enjoy sex on a regular, daily basis and not afraid to be intimate. I have a spanking fetish and need to be sensually spanked on a regular, daily basis which helps me reduce my depression and anxiety symptoms and also will spank you if so desired. You must enjoy both giving and receiving sensual/erotic spankings on a regular, daily basis. If you are not amicable to giving/reeiving sensual/erotic over-the-lap bare bottom spankings with massages then please respond to other ads. Please absolutely no illegal drugs and no smoking of anything as I am highly allergic. Please do not offer me any drugs. Please be 100% free of all STD's as I am. Please be single and unattached.

A photo is not necessary. A smile is. Please do not be shallow nor judgemental.

No platonic friendships. This is to share intimacy and give/receive sensual spankings on a regular, daily basis. Please be understanding of my symptoms as I will be with yours.