Friday, October 24, 2008

Lame/Funny/Unusual Personal Ad (M4W) Opening Lines

No, I didn’t make these up... and yes, they are all opening lines.*

 “I'm quite new to the dating scene, but being 23 I think its about time I actually tried it out.”

Points for honesty, but again, not something you want to admit in your opening line.  You may as well put flashing warning lights on your profile.  At the very least, be more creative.  Why not: “Guy with history of mental problems seeks guinea pig for dating.”

 “This is dumb. I don't like this minimum text requirements.”

An overachiever, are we? (Note, the minimum text requirement for the section you are complaining about – which is the longest section– is 200 characters, including spaces.  This little commentary is 283 characters.)

 “My perfect match would be someone I was attracted to both physically and mentally.”

What a profound opening line!

 “I should start off by saying that I am allergic to ANIMAL DANDER, AIRBORNE POLLEN, and COMMON HOUSEHOLD DUST, as determined by an allergist.”

Is this a joke?

 “I do not see how I can pour my gist out in here in a few sentences.”

“Pour my gist out” – now that’s a phrase I’ve never heard before.  Unfortunately, you pour none of your gist out and don’t even include a picture.  Bet you get tons of emails.

 “OK NO HYPOCHONDRIACS. Been there done that so I need someone who likes who they are and like to enjoy life.”

A) I don’t think you quite understand what hypochondria is, and B) having the word “hypochondriacs” in your first sentence (in all capitals) is probably not a surefire way to attract chicks.

 “This is tough part of the whole profile. I really dont know what to say about me.”

Now this guy has a magnetic personality, doesn’t he?  I mean, he makes himself sound so interesting, so alluring.

 “This description is only a depiction of what you envision when you translate these words into terms that spawn thought like germs.”


 “Hi dear, Thanks for taking a peek at my profile. Obviously something on my profile caught your eyes and I believe this is a good starting point to build a relationship.”

Ever considered that it could be your creepy profile picture?  Kind of like a bad car crash where you know you shouldn’t look, but you just can’t help but take a peek.

 “And: I work in a bookstore and love to rea. I'd consider myself to be an intellectual.”

You consider yourself to be an intellectual yet your opening sentence is weirdly constructed and has a really bad typo.  If you’re intellectual, show me, don’t tell me.  If you have to tell me, it probably means that you’re not an intellectual.

 “I`ve got myself together body and soul.”

That’s nice to know.  I’d hate to see them apart.  Great opening line, by the way.

 “Hi, and thanks for reading this profile thing.”

What a fabulous, attention-grabbing opening line.  Very sophisticated vocabulary, mind you. 

 “I hate talking about myself, I am here to meet you.”

Umm…well, I’m here to meet you.  There’s two sides to this whole thing, you know.

 “I am certainly smart and attractive to certain girls.”

Are you certain about that?  Are you certain that you couldn’t come up with a slightly better opening line?  Because in glancing at your profile, I’m not certain that any girl would find you smart.  Nor am I certain that any girl would find you attractive.

 “I'm a 31 year-old Chinese who was born in Malaysia. I have a healthy brain and so do my life.”

Okay.  I shouldn’t make fun of this one, because English clearly isn’t his first language, but I can’t resist commenting on the “healthy brain” bit.  Aren’t healthy brains the first things girls scan profiles for?  Mention of a healthy brain?  Check…thank goodness - now I can read on.

On a side note, I wonder if he knows the association of 420 with pot (his user name had "420" at the end).  Maybe he does, and he’s a medicinal user…hence the healthy brain.

 “A lady told me today that I'm "mellow" - when I went home I had to look it up...and yes, I think she wasn't so wrong on that one.”

Not something you want to admit in your opening line.  My 8-year-old neighbor knows what “mellow” means.

 “I'll be brief as 4000 characters is a lot”

If 4000 characters is a lot, then you don’t need to be brief, you moron.

 “This seems self-invasive but here we go. I'm 6'2", 220 lbs., athletic and physically fit.”

Self-invasive?  I think you just mean invasive.  …and buddy, you’re the one that chose to join an online dating site.  What did you think it was going to consist of?  Posting pictures of your penis?

 “Carrie Bradshaw likened a man ready for commitment with a taxi. The only one’s that were ready had their available light on.”

I’m praying English isn’t your first language.  The concerning thing is, according to, you are a 95% match for me.

 “At the risk of sounding a bit ubiquitous...I'm an outgoing, fun loving guy who likes to have a good time.”

I hate to have a break this to you, but your attempt to sound intelligent failed miserably.  Your use of “ubiquitous,” which means omnipresent, doesn’t make sense.  Did you mean arrogant?  And the three adjectives you use to describe yourself can be found in 99.9999999% of the profiles of other guys, so if you were worried about sounding arrogant, you can stop worrying.  You don’t sound arrogant… just boring. 

 “black male 5'11 280lbs looking for REAL LOVE. My preference is short ladies bow legged hairy women from 4'11-5'3”

Bow legged? Now that’s a new one.

*These came from craigslist,, and


Angel's Log said...

Omg, this just made my life- it's so funny! I was LOL the whole time!! Good to know I'm not the only person who scrutinizes online ads for the fun of it! :D

Rachel said...

What people write in personal ads never ceases to amaze me. Then, they don't understand why the ads get a) flagged or b) no responses.

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